THE STORY VAULT BLOG
I've been writing a screen version of my short story The Belmont. In the process of translating it for the screen I keep finding ways to improve the short story version. I find myself bouncing back and forth between the two. This is maddening. It's maddening because I thought I'd made the short story version of The Belmont as good as I could possibly make it.
Original dialogue:
Dr. Benson: “Let me get this straight: you're telling me that’s why you didn’t arrest Eva? She’s the sole remaining firefly? All the other lights have been snuffed out?”
Detective John Doyle: “I just don’t like to work in the dark, Benson.”
Dr. Benson: "Are you sure that's all?"
Detective John Doyle: "What else is there?"
Dr. Benson: "Far be it for me to suggest you're human, but don't tell me that when you go to bed at night you won't be thinking of her."
I was reading this and thinking, "Why does Benson have that line? Dr. Benson is the logical, scientific thinker...who practically psychoanalyzes Doyle (much to his annoyance). That's Doyle's line! He's the one that sees things as a puzzle to be solved!
So...
BENSON
Are you telling me that’s why you didn’t arrest Eva?
DOYLE
She’s the sole remaining firefly. All the other lights have been snuffed out. And I don’t like to work in the dark.
BENSON
Is that all?
DOYLE
Fill me in, doctor.
BENSON
Far be it for me to suggest you're human, but don't tell me that when you go to bed at night you won't be thinking of her.
(And believe me, he will.)
I'm going to end up with a 2026 revision of The Belmont short story. But I'm not going to run it through all of the AI programmes for an updated analysis. This was the biggest adjustment, the others are minor.
I have a bigger challenge. My adaptation is on track to come out at 48 pages. Most short screenplay contests have a limit of 30 or 40 pages. Feature contests require a minimum of 70 or 80 pages. Cutting 18 pages would destroy the story. Adding 22 pages to a 48 page script would be a major undertaking. It's a detective noir/spy thriller set in a hotel in 1933 - is anyone even going to be interested in producing this?
Can I even use it as a writing sample?
UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES - UPDATE
Adapting "The Belmont" short story for the screen has been much more challenging than I thought it would be.
It's been a good exercise.
Initially, the screen version was tracking to be 48 pages. It ended up being just 38 pages. But something else resulted. I cut 600 words from The Belmont short story (7150 to 6550 words). i kept thinking, "Why do I have so many words?" And I even added some new material.
Adapting The Belmont short story for the screen has made me a better screenwriter - and it has also made me a better short story writer. I had not expected the latter.
Update: I came across this - How to use screenwriting secrets in your novel